Whats with the world?

It is staggering and insanely bothering. I am putting off reading the Merc until after everyone sleeps because of the intensity of the messages the articles conveys. And yes, my family calls me the wimpy. Because I get upset or worried about stuff that does not matter to me. How can the stuff not matter to me? We can be a tiny little particle in the Universe....we do live on this earth and have a convoluted responsibility to where we live. And I DO believe the things happen around us, DOES affect our lives in one way or another, directly or indirectly, if not today then another day.

W.B. Yeats comes to my mind almost everyday these days...

"Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosened upon the world
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity."

Some poets are by all means prophets.

The natural disaster and on top of it the nuclear one in Japan...
The passionate intensity of ONE man that floods the streets with blood in Libya...
The never ending conflict and outbursts of agony in the middle east...
The eternal politics that ensnares reality and tramples over general public in India...

on top of all these things...I do read about the gun and crime on our local streets here. How is it possible for a teen to own a weapon and use it at their own discretion????

Whats happening?

Compromises

Life is not exactly a bed of roses (by the way, is a bed of roses is of whole roses or just the petals? The reason behind this question is, if its whole roses, we might still have hidden thorns)..

Is life an everyday reckoning to handle with as much force as possible and try to defeat it? Is life a journey, that is not really under our control - that we need to float with the flow and go where the currents take us? Is life an experiment to try, find out and live? What if an experiment fails and we have no more chances to retry the same, as often happens?

Well well looks like I am sounding as morbid as can be...thats not the idea.

Sometimes things do not happen the way they should or the way that is more productive and positive. Or even the way we think is good for everyone around. How does a human nature react to being challenged in an unexpected unfair manner?

I have so many questions like this all the time....mostly without any answers. Is it common and am I just getting older?

Time numbs the pain but the scar stays.

Nine years ago, today God gave us a huge lesson on loss. As young and expectant parents we had lot of dreams for our first child. Skeptical, scared and careful, treading softly on the stairs, eating exactly as the doc and books suggested, shunning coffee and anything caffenie completely, we were so excited, thrilled and happy the first few months...a little more than few.

I was on the table waiting for the ultrasound technician to tell me the baby is doing fine. I even had the courage to ask her, can you please tell me the sex of my baby? that young tecnician apparently baffled by my question and what she saw on the screen got teary eyed and called another experienced technician. I needed to use the rest room so badly. In those days they make you drink gallons of water before ultrasound, if you are pregnant. Well I asked her can I use the restroom. She said, somehting like oh can you please wait, I'll call the senior technician. And then the senior technician came. With every person near the table my husband's grip on my hand was getting tighter and his face getting ashen. I, totally clueles, asked again "can you please tell me the sex of my babay?"

And she asks, do you want to use the rest room. I still had no clue something was amiss. Well...restroom, of couse. And apparently they told my husband when I was in. I came out. She said, your doctor is waiting to see you in her room. What?? Why? We do not even have an appointment today. We came in for an ultrasound. Well my husband hushes me and takes me by hand. Very unusual for him to hold my hand in public back then. I still had no clue. And I go to the doctor's office. Doctor hugs me. Tells me my baby is dead in womb. Well....

Nine years later and two blessings after, I still have a lingering question that disturbs my sleep especially on Dec 9th...why?

Paradox...?

Away from home, on a business trip, all alone for three full days. Well I wish for it very infrequently when the kids drive me crazy. But when it actually happens, sitting alone in your hotel room, with all the time in the world to do whatever you want to do, all you can do is to think about the family. I am away...well not really. Oh what did they have for lunch....are the shoes scattered everywhere, were they picked up on time...are they missing me etc etc, thoughts that crowd my mind and I am staring at the CNN channel and newspaper spread in front me me.

Darn it! come on hey wake up...you wanted to be away from them and you got the opportunity. Enjoy that. Relax. Take a Walk. Read the W.B Yeats you had unread for about 3 years now. Oh no, she threw up this morning..s she coming down with a cold? Or is it a new kind of virus that is going around...oh when is the school winter program? oh shoot, what time is it??? Run into the shower, rush through the process...phone rings...oh no I am getting late for the session. Oh where is the relaxed morning that I was thinking to have alone? huh? Relax? well...shove down the breakfast buffet...resist the urge to call yet again to see if they are ready on time to school...all the while smiling and making small talks to the people on the breakfast table.

Well..its a whole different story at the training sessions...I am so engrossed, I forget the coffee breaks! I am not even aware that I am away from home, so love the product that I am working on right now and all I can think about is ways to get to the nuances that were so elusive before...What exactly is it that keeps me at both poles? the mommy paradox?

Delicate balance...

I was watching a program on volcanoes. Looking at the magma and lava pouring out of the earth's darkest inner most regions got me dumbfounded. As always thoughts soared to all other natural disasters possible...the earth quakes, tsunamis, hurricanes and what not.

Anything is possible and the very existence of every human being is so dependent on so many natural and man made un reliable factors. hanging on such a delicate balance over inferno, we are so hung up on our attitudes!!! Gosh I cannot believe that. Seriously, life is as always I say, sooo ephemeral. Anything can happen any moment. The San Bruno gas explosion, who expected that? The Tsunami that washed aways thousands of people with no warning...the earth quakes that mutilated and killed thousands...not to mention the everyday road accidents, health issues....I shudder.

Well I am not trying to be so gloomy and negative. On the contrary. I am trying to understand the very value of our existence and be thankful for the life. Thankful in a way we value every other human being and treat fairly and not hurt...

Frangrant memories

Ah…the fragrance of Jasmine…instantly transports me to those late 80s and early 90s in Trichy. With long hair and wearing typical South Indian outfits, those were the days when all young girls prided ourselves with the length of our hair and appropriate adornments. And adornments were mostly flowers and especially for me it was specifically Jasmine.

Though I stayed away from home in an all women’s hostel/school/college combo, we had access to flowers through – we all called her “pookara patti”, every single day. None of us knew how old she was. She used look fairly young may be in her early 40s. Still we called her patti. And buying the jasmine was my single most expensive treat of teen years. Comb hair, tie up with ribbons and adorn it with oh so heavenly smelling Jasmine. The pink Star gazer jasmine (Jadhi malli) one day, little whity white bulb like Gundu malli, and the thin, white, Mullai the other day….

I am almost a life time away from those places and fragrances now. But my afternoon Jasmine tea brings back a rush of thoughts that crowds my thinking with days back then…

This never stops!

Yes, this never stops!! The learning curve never hits a plateau in life. Every moment in life is filled with experiences richly covered with enigmatic knowledge to get wiser from. Looking at the moments superficially, we miss the hidden messages. But when we start observing every passing moment at words as well as silences and wait to absorb the information, a light bulb gets on.

Its the aha moment of truth- and if we identify this moment, we get richer in experience and knowledge. We're able to relate to poeple in the right degree required. No iota more or less. Keeping life balanced and taking moments to think before to talk can enhance the learning experience through our everyday experience.

Most beautifu part of this learning from experience is - its never too late to learn!