That something keeps returning-
A momentary monument
A monumental moment
A gentle lingering warmth
A sudden shivering cold...
Life's passing moments
Simple forever pleasures
Confusingly complex feelings
Accumulates making me what I am...
I live many lives a day.
The person I am
The person I want to be
The person I wish I was
The person I might be if I did...
Through everything
This something keeps returning
That keeps me going
The bittersweet memory...
That shadows me forever.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
A nightmare
It’s a dream turned nightmare. The American dream slowly deteriorating into a nightmare. Its not new. Its not old. It’s here forever in the society. The deadly weapons. Why? Do we belong to an age that needs us to hunt for our meal? Don't we have a security, protection system? Are we living in uncivilized nation of barbarians and cannibals that a common man needs weapons? What makes the sellers sell them? And what makes the buyers buy them? What makes someone decide to kill people?
Seemingly innocent, responsible citizens of this beautiful country own weapons. And when they get upset over something, they just decide to kill people. And the seemingly resonsible citizens who govern do not want to do anything about it. To regulate. To stop. To protect. because they might have one stashed away in their closet as well. What is the logic of someone walking on a theater and shooting at individuals they this someone has no connection with? What is the logic in walking into a temple, mall, school, university and shooting at unsuspecting people going about their prayer or everyday routine?
Living in a constant fear doesn't call this nation a land of opportunity. We all make noises when something like this happen. Share our condolences on the social networks. Some of us are scared even to do that. Because we don't want to share our personal opinions in public in fear of invoking someone's wrath. God - what has this country come to? Is it really the end of the world? The second coming is near? Things are seriously falling apart and the center cannot hold...
If ever there needs to be a WW III, it must be on the society, by the society. This war must stop all social degeneration, deterioration and detoxicate the individuals. Destroy all weapons, instill humanitarianism, bring out the natural humane approach. bring out a green revolution. Live and let live the fellow humans...Oh God – that’s my dream. I shudder to live this nightmare.
Seemingly innocent, responsible citizens of this beautiful country own weapons. And when they get upset over something, they just decide to kill people. And the seemingly resonsible citizens who govern do not want to do anything about it. To regulate. To stop. To protect. because they might have one stashed away in their closet as well. What is the logic of someone walking on a theater and shooting at individuals they this someone has no connection with? What is the logic in walking into a temple, mall, school, university and shooting at unsuspecting people going about their prayer or everyday routine?
Living in a constant fear doesn't call this nation a land of opportunity. We all make noises when something like this happen. Share our condolences on the social networks. Some of us are scared even to do that. Because we don't want to share our personal opinions in public in fear of invoking someone's wrath. God - what has this country come to? Is it really the end of the world? The second coming is near? Things are seriously falling apart and the center cannot hold...
If ever there needs to be a WW III, it must be on the society, by the society. This war must stop all social degeneration, deterioration and detoxicate the individuals. Destroy all weapons, instill humanitarianism, bring out the natural humane approach. bring out a green revolution. Live and let live the fellow humans...Oh God – that’s my dream. I shudder to live this nightmare.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Waves
Endlessness of waves is always an alluring enigma. It’s so baffling to me that i always end up getting tired after simply sitting and watching the waves hit the shore in various levels of ferocity. When normal, it’s like a lover's hug. Ocean being the loving woman, hugging the land lover with tireless repetition. And mind you, never once this egoistic land returns the hug. And shudder to imagine what it would be if ever land tries to return! Sometimes it also feels like the mother giving her energy, attention, love and happiness to the children endlessly, who are as flat and emotionless and always takes the moms for granted like the land.
As the depth on the shore increases, the height of the waves increase. This summer I had the opportunity to visit quite a few beaches on the Pacific shores. Each beach is unique. Its all water, well...salt water, its all sand and its all Pacific. But one beach had only all rocks and pebbles - absolutely no sand. And the water was calm - though a few feet from the water's edge looked deep and forbidding. Another beach, lovely, white, soft, clean almost sugar like sand. Clean gentle waves. Another beach - so scenic. Mountain on the other side, beautiful blue waters with little caves on the ocean side. But very ferocious wave, deep waters and huge waves.
What’s my connection with waves? The unfathomable ocean endlessly pulls me during moments of internal chaos. The sound of waves crashing on the shores competes with the silent scream of voices inside that are so deafening. When I return a serenity engulfs my whole being. It is as if, the endless waves and the ocean depths have given me a newer understanding. As you go deep down, only a monumental silence will prevail. All the peripheral noises are only peripheral. So go deep. And stay calm.
As the depth on the shore increases, the height of the waves increase. This summer I had the opportunity to visit quite a few beaches on the Pacific shores. Each beach is unique. Its all water, well...salt water, its all sand and its all Pacific. But one beach had only all rocks and pebbles - absolutely no sand. And the water was calm - though a few feet from the water's edge looked deep and forbidding. Another beach, lovely, white, soft, clean almost sugar like sand. Clean gentle waves. Another beach - so scenic. Mountain on the other side, beautiful blue waters with little caves on the ocean side. But very ferocious wave, deep waters and huge waves.
What’s my connection with waves? The unfathomable ocean endlessly pulls me during moments of internal chaos. The sound of waves crashing on the shores competes with the silent scream of voices inside that are so deafening. When I return a serenity engulfs my whole being. It is as if, the endless waves and the ocean depths have given me a newer understanding. As you go deep down, only a monumental silence will prevail. All the peripheral noises are only peripheral. So go deep. And stay calm.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
An accidnet
Some infoirmation hits right at the core of your very being and brings back hoards of unwanted memories. Loss, any kind of loss really hurts. I am very aware of the delicate mortality of human life. But that does not take away the sudden rush of emotions, pain and sympathy - not to metion the forzen moments of serious fear.
This is a huge world. And God is really having fun His toys - the humans. Life and death happen every moments in some corner across the globe. All species are giving birth to and dying. Yet, the loss of a child, an accident that could have been avoided...I know we will have 1 million what ifs for a situation like this. Nothing is going to take away the pain and suffering from the parents and the neighbor.
http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/Cupertino-boy-5-killed-by-car-backing-up-3716756.php
This is a huge world. And God is really having fun His toys - the humans. Life and death happen every moments in some corner across the globe. All species are giving birth to and dying. Yet, the loss of a child, an accident that could have been avoided...I know we will have 1 million what ifs for a situation like this. Nothing is going to take away the pain and suffering from the parents and the neighbor.
http://www.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/Cupertino-boy-5-killed-by-car-backing-up-3716756.php
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Those 2 minutes...
A lot can happen in two minutes. Wait - a lot can happen in just a split second. But the two minutes...two minutes of wait can save you from a lot of things happening. Yes, this sounds about right. Two minute or make it three - of waiting in line, waiting for the red light to turn green, thinking before you speak, being on hold to speak to someone...is absolutely OK. Do not get frustrated with such wait times, People. Make this time yours.
You are in the grocery store with just a single can of milk in hand. Yes, carrying cold gallon of milk can be heavy. The person ahead of you has cart full of stuff and talking to the clerk. OK how long is it going to take. Juggle the can and do a little wait lifting while waiting. If not look at all the headlines in the hot gossip magazines on the stand. Observe how the clerk is friendly and yet doing the job. Or just browse through the stuff stacked in the check-out aisle. Just do not get restless, curse under your breath and look scornfully at anyone for taking a little bit of two minutes more by being nice. Life does seem to zip through much faster than we want. But we can take all these little moments to remind ourselves that we are still alive. We are here and we don't know how long we will be. So while we are here, lets just enjoy what we have, the things around you but not wasting what we don't have - time in showing attitudes and irritating mood swings.
Not having the patience to wait for the traffic light and speeding up to beat the yellow - can get you in very unsavory, sometimes even dangerous situation. If you see yellow, and you are a good distance behind the stop line, just slow down and stop. If you speed up, make that sharp left or u turn, you may lose control and end up in emergency. Or simply in the car repair shop. What are you losing from sitting in your car, listening to the radio news or music or simply reviewing your days work? Think about anything. This 2 or three minutes is absolutely yours, except keeping your foot firmly planted on the brakes, you are free to think about anything you want. Or plain simple, switch off your brain and stare ahead into the traffic - look at people randomly, enjoy the general life out there. For God's sake do not rush to beat the light and get beaten by life.
I am very aware of my clock ticking away. Also aware that everything comes to an end. So why rush through these every day minutes? Even if we do not have opportunities to stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the ocean breeze or walk mindlessly every day, we can still do that in our mind in these little 2 or 3 minutes here and there. It will keep our sensitivities alive and save stress for the others around us. Just try.
You are in the grocery store with just a single can of milk in hand. Yes, carrying cold gallon of milk can be heavy. The person ahead of you has cart full of stuff and talking to the clerk. OK how long is it going to take. Juggle the can and do a little wait lifting while waiting. If not look at all the headlines in the hot gossip magazines on the stand. Observe how the clerk is friendly and yet doing the job. Or just browse through the stuff stacked in the check-out aisle. Just do not get restless, curse under your breath and look scornfully at anyone for taking a little bit of two minutes more by being nice. Life does seem to zip through much faster than we want. But we can take all these little moments to remind ourselves that we are still alive. We are here and we don't know how long we will be. So while we are here, lets just enjoy what we have, the things around you but not wasting what we don't have - time in showing attitudes and irritating mood swings.
Not having the patience to wait for the traffic light and speeding up to beat the yellow - can get you in very unsavory, sometimes even dangerous situation. If you see yellow, and you are a good distance behind the stop line, just slow down and stop. If you speed up, make that sharp left or u turn, you may lose control and end up in emergency. Or simply in the car repair shop. What are you losing from sitting in your car, listening to the radio news or music or simply reviewing your days work? Think about anything. This 2 or three minutes is absolutely yours, except keeping your foot firmly planted on the brakes, you are free to think about anything you want. Or plain simple, switch off your brain and stare ahead into the traffic - look at people randomly, enjoy the general life out there. For God's sake do not rush to beat the light and get beaten by life.
I am very aware of my clock ticking away. Also aware that everything comes to an end. So why rush through these every day minutes? Even if we do not have opportunities to stop and smell the flowers, enjoy the ocean breeze or walk mindlessly every day, we can still do that in our mind in these little 2 or 3 minutes here and there. It will keep our sensitivities alive and save stress for the others around us. Just try.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Food
A few things really make me happy anytime. One of them is food. Its not just about eating. Food to me is a hobby, a relaxation, a concentration and in some senses a prayer. Though the follow-up activites such as washing the dishes and cleaning can be a drag - I just enjoy cooking. When I am stressed. When I am happy. When I am excited. When I am just simply plain myself.
Its one such a day today - just wanted to unwind. Got into the kitchen. An hour and few dirty dishes later - got Tandoori chicken, Pesto pasta with sun dried tomatoes, chicken strips and walnuts, marinara red pasta with over roasted mushrooms, red and yellow peppers, and kesari for dessert. All from scratch, my own recipes. Oh and Iforgot the garlic bread. The plain bread is of course from TJ. But added zesty garlic and olive oil then toasted in the oven.
So - here I am. Had my vegetarian pasta. Family just loved the rest. With green tea in hand, I am reflecting on what made me cook this enormous meal on a Friday night?? No idea. While I worked at Hitachi one of co-workers gave me a book - Like Water For Chocolate. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Like_Water_for_Chocolate. I just loved that book. How food is intertwined with lives - especially the protagonist.
Food and memories are part of my life, part of who I am. I associate food with almost everything. Even the smell, feel and the places I had some specific dish and people. I think of my athai and always connect her with those soft, oily, yummy delicious paniarams and excellet mutton curry. My MIL - always with that oh so good rasam and yam fry. My mom oh the food smells that my mom's memory brings back - I can NOW smell the paaal paniyaram and vadai that wafts from my mom's saree when talk to her misty eyed about going back after the vacation....
Food is good as long as we eat it. But when food starts eating us - i can't imagine.
Its one such a day today - just wanted to unwind. Got into the kitchen. An hour and few dirty dishes later - got Tandoori chicken, Pesto pasta with sun dried tomatoes, chicken strips and walnuts, marinara red pasta with over roasted mushrooms, red and yellow peppers, and kesari for dessert. All from scratch, my own recipes. Oh and Iforgot the garlic bread. The plain bread is of course from TJ. But added zesty garlic and olive oil then toasted in the oven.
So - here I am. Had my vegetarian pasta. Family just loved the rest. With green tea in hand, I am reflecting on what made me cook this enormous meal on a Friday night?? No idea. While I worked at Hitachi one of co-workers gave me a book - Like Water For Chocolate. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Like_Water_for_Chocolate. I just loved that book. How food is intertwined with lives - especially the protagonist.
Food and memories are part of my life, part of who I am. I associate food with almost everything. Even the smell, feel and the places I had some specific dish and people. I think of my athai and always connect her with those soft, oily, yummy delicious paniarams and excellet mutton curry. My MIL - always with that oh so good rasam and yam fry. My mom oh the food smells that my mom's memory brings back - I can NOW smell the paaal paniyaram and vadai that wafts from my mom's saree when talk to her misty eyed about going back after the vacation....
Food is good as long as we eat it. But when food starts eating us - i can't imagine.
A coffee drinker's story
The word change is the only thing that doesn't ever change. Yes, age old wisdom. Still it takes a long time for the human mind to accept the changes. Subtle changes. Big changes. Changes in attitude. Changes in friendship. Everything has an impact. It is within our control to understand, accept and move on from the effects of the impact.
When a simple every day routine as drinking coffee changes, the effects or impact of that changes reflects more on the mind, the mental state than the body. Oh well, yes I gave up drinking my coffee in the morning. Not a big deal. But I am a coffee drinker and I LOVE coffee in all caps, bold, underline. But what the heck - just gave up. Recently. It did affect my mood. The thought of not drinking coffee the very first thing in the morning....gave me all these thoughts - note they are only thoughts and not actual happenings.. "Mmm oh I am getting a head ache, oh I feel sleepy...uh oh I cannot focus" - all because I think I am not drinking that magic potion. Sometimes thoughts affect us more than the actual reality.
But now, I am not dying for it :) That change did affect me. It took me more days than I would have wished to accept and move on. Now that I have moved on, I can reflect on it and still be objective. Not crave for it. That does not mean I hate coffee. On the contrary. I still LOVE coffee with all bold, caps, underline, highlight every thing. But I am just not drinking it in the morning. Coffee ceased to be associated with my morning routine. It is still accessible. My husband still makes it in the morning for himself. I am around, can smell inhale the fresh invigorating aroma while attending to my chores in the kitchen. First few days I will still smell the coffee smell, inhale it and look at it longingly while he sips away. He will even offer me few sips which I started refusing for fear of getting hooked on again. Now yes I smell it. Yes, its there. But I am not tempted. I guess this is the ultimate existence that Buddha ( ah...trying to sound lofty here, am I? But lofty things do start from humble beginnings) learned. Being there and not being affected by it. Am I getting closer to getting mental maturity at last? Well that is a completely different discussion.
But going back to changes - yes. In our everyday life, we come across things, people, friends, work - things that really have an impact on us for various reasons. Some stay on with us. But some we want to stay on with us forever. But that is not always the case. Things perish. People move on. Jobs change. If we learn to understand that the changes are inevitable and though everything moves on and situations change, the memories we carry with them will stay on with us, enriching us and evolving us as we grow - we will be fine. Que Sera Sera.
When a simple every day routine as drinking coffee changes, the effects or impact of that changes reflects more on the mind, the mental state than the body. Oh well, yes I gave up drinking my coffee in the morning. Not a big deal. But I am a coffee drinker and I LOVE coffee in all caps, bold, underline. But what the heck - just gave up. Recently. It did affect my mood. The thought of not drinking coffee the very first thing in the morning....gave me all these thoughts - note they are only thoughts and not actual happenings.. "Mmm oh I am getting a head ache, oh I feel sleepy...uh oh I cannot focus" - all because I think I am not drinking that magic potion. Sometimes thoughts affect us more than the actual reality.
But now, I am not dying for it :) That change did affect me. It took me more days than I would have wished to accept and move on. Now that I have moved on, I can reflect on it and still be objective. Not crave for it. That does not mean I hate coffee. On the contrary. I still LOVE coffee with all bold, caps, underline, highlight every thing. But I am just not drinking it in the morning. Coffee ceased to be associated with my morning routine. It is still accessible. My husband still makes it in the morning for himself. I am around, can smell inhale the fresh invigorating aroma while attending to my chores in the kitchen. First few days I will still smell the coffee smell, inhale it and look at it longingly while he sips away. He will even offer me few sips which I started refusing for fear of getting hooked on again. Now yes I smell it. Yes, its there. But I am not tempted. I guess this is the ultimate existence that Buddha ( ah...trying to sound lofty here, am I? But lofty things do start from humble beginnings) learned. Being there and not being affected by it. Am I getting closer to getting mental maturity at last? Well that is a completely different discussion.
But going back to changes - yes. In our everyday life, we come across things, people, friends, work - things that really have an impact on us for various reasons. Some stay on with us. But some we want to stay on with us forever. But that is not always the case. Things perish. People move on. Jobs change. If we learn to understand that the changes are inevitable and though everything moves on and situations change, the memories we carry with them will stay on with us, enriching us and evolving us as we grow - we will be fine. Que Sera Sera.
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