Fear

She came in. And hunkered under the curtain. Dragged me with her. And said “shhhh…don’t make a noise”. Then they came in. Called for us. She didn’t let me talk. I was amused at my little one’s hide and seek with us on the Friday evening. So I played along. Then they figured where we were. Lifted the curtains.

Then she screamed. “Mom they are going to shoot at us, we are going to die”. All of us stopped on track. “What??, what are you saying?”. She said, “oh mamma, we are practicing code red. In school when it is code red our teacher gets us to hide. Then those bad guys come in. We should not make a noise. Then officers will come in to save us. If we make a noise bad guys will find us and they will shoot at us.”


Agreed my older one with a more neutral story.

I could not clear the crowded memory since last Friday. All those parents that lost their children, families that lost a loved one in all these years, the pain, anguish, question, dilemma, of these lost dreams and lost lives perform an action replay in slow motion most of the time in my mind. They are not my personal experience but a result of cumulative readership and understanding mixed with parental intuition and understanding.

We send kids to school. We go to places we go to, work, movies, shopping and all other every day errands. And we set out planning to return. And when that doesn’t happen many a times, what to expect of life here? Why take out individual anger and disillusionment on an unsuspecting society? And yes, we do need to learn disaster preparedness. Prepare ourselves for earth quakes, tsunamis, storms, fires etc. But how do we prepare ourselves for bullets?

Go out anticipating that we will not return? Every day? That is living in fear. Living in fear and the American Dream are two entirely opposite things. I don’t want to live in fear, but still fear lingers in my heart.

Truth

There is truth. Then there is what they say as truth. And then, there is what you believe as truth. Yet again, there is what stays as truth.

The personality of truth changes based on perspectives. Essentially there are as many facets of truth as the number of people and perspectives. What you believe to be true may entirely be false in reality.

What makes me so philosophical today? Just day to day life matters.

So here is a little story. A knows B for a long time. A goes to a place X and B joins X after a while. Then A leaves X for Y. The after a while it so happens B also moves from Place X to place Y. A didn’t have anything to do with B’s decision to move. It was B’s at will choice. But B’s boss is not amused by the move. So is finding comfort in character assassination. No direct confrontation with A. No fact finding. But talks to everyone that A is taking B to the same place!!

Dude this is Silicon Valley! And we live in a free country, corporate America!  People move around all the time! Wake up and realize that. On top of all this, every one has a life beyond places X and Y. Its a busy life and A or anyone else does not have time to do such political math! If they did, they would not be where they are right now! If you want to beleive in what you think, all I can do is, to repeat my little one, and say "ha ha ...very funny!!!"

Human nature is so amusing. When we think everything is on track, something goes off track, we don’t want to examine why the off track happened. We seldom look at the issue at hand objectively. We just want someone to blame. This seems to be the universal attitude. How does blaming help to advance? How proactive is that?

Approaching any truth directly to get the close to the real picture will help in moving on. But again truth does have many facets! What is true to me may not be true to you. So believe in what you believe and I do the same! Life rolls on :)

Please God...

A shearing pain explodes inside me as I read The Lion King tonight to my daughter. I could not help a choking voice as I read through Simba running away bearing the responsibility of his father's murder. My little one, does not understand why mommy is so emotional reading the Lion King may be for a 100th time. She hugs me, tells me its OK amma. Simba will grow and come back to scare bad Scar away.

My heart is elsewhere....all those little hearts that read this story with their parents at least once. All those little hands that touched their mom, dad and laughed and cried, and put up a drama to get what they wanted, threw a tantrum to eat, to dress up, planned for the weekend, wrote a wish list for Santa, tried to behave for the presents Santa'll bring....all those little hearts that stopped beating. All the empty homes that stand in the darkness this minute trying to cope with this uncanny truth...

Mahabharatha talks about "Kali" kalam, where things go completely crazy. Where the order of the world changes...but i do not remember reading about such cruelty. Even in madness its beyond belief. A drowsy numbness pains....my soul screeches.

Is this what it is going to be? How many guns are out there waiting to take away lives within seconds, God knows how long it takes for death to happen after a gun shot, but we know its takes about 10 months of incubation period for a human life. That 10 months gets nullified in less than 10 minutes? What agony is this?

Some scholars thought about the country when they wrote the first and second amendment/ yes. True. They lived in a time that required self protection and required weapons. What is the time we live in? What inventions advancement we have? What kind of law enforcement we have now? Do we still need the same laws to apply? We talk going forward in rewriting laws for what we want. Why can't we apply the same to the weapons?

God give the parents the strength to heal from their loss. Heal them with love and your power. Do not enrage even one from these families...yes, it is injustice. yes it is inhuman and unfair beyond reason. But the world cannot handle another loss of innocent lives...

This should not happen. Not there, not anywhere...

Where to start and where to stop? The nightmare the parents and community are living through this minute in Connecticut…if only it is a part of some horrible movie scene…? We all can feel, post and think about them and may be Pray for them. But coming to terms with their loss is OH MY GOD is absolutely unthinkable. What did those kids do? Those kids could have been any kids…we all have kids that go to different schools. Why should someone target these buds?


Can we do a root cause analysis to find the rotten root of this killing epidemic? The epidemic is spreading across America and the globe in various ways. Here it is spreading like a wild fire. Unless some action is taken to contain this wildfire, this epidemic may be the root cause for the fall of a huge Nation. A Nation that once beckoned the world as a dream Nation.

If I start listing the possible causes, - its endless and it touches every little thing we do as parents and individuals every day. What happened to the old fashioned courtesy? Caring? Love, Affection., Respect to the elders, God fearing attitude?

Why do we cultivate violence in the form of movies, games, books, talk in children from childhood? I am overwhelmed.

Why do we need weapons?

Unknown

Like the invisible cricket’s rhythm
On a serene cold night -

Gnaws a numbing persistent pain
With scratchy claws in vain.

Not near for years
The distance feed the fears

Life and death happen
One is known, the other so sudden.

One in expected ten months cycle
A mysterious known miracle

The other strikes out at will
In an unknown moment makes us null.

Across the miles soars my heart
Reaching out to a life in the past…

Reaching but not reaching
For answers I am still searching.

Perfection

A little curve in that corner
Bit more color to the lips
Oh...add a shine to the hair...
Do not forget to correct the hips.

Looking for perfection
He is adding finishing touches
To his mind's reflection
Of a beauty's personification.

She looks little too bold
Lo... behold the eyes are li'l bit old...
Passing commentators pass
Looking and Not at the lass.

Multitudes of eyes see
Mindless of what he saw...
The perfection he portrayed
Only one pair of eyes know.

Solitude

Delightful solitude
Fills in, ever so gently...
Far away moments caress my thoughts...
Bringing back a childhood lost

Swaying in a lazy autumn afternoon
The leaf doesn't fall -
In a tantalizing wind, only
Floats down with a warm dignity

Fallen leaves never get back
Lost childhood never comes back...
New leaves grow for another fall and
Memories we collect for another cherished moment

Such is life...
Savor, cherish and save some moments
For another solitude
That'll wander your way, on a rare cold evening.