Time numbs the pain but the scar stays.

Nine years ago, today God gave us a huge lesson on loss. As young and expectant parents we had lot of dreams for our first child. Skeptical, scared and careful, treading softly on the stairs, eating exactly as the doc and books suggested, shunning coffee and anything caffenie completely, we were so excited, thrilled and happy the first few months...a little more than few.

I was on the table waiting for the ultrasound technician to tell me the baby is doing fine. I even had the courage to ask her, can you please tell me the sex of my baby? that young tecnician apparently baffled by my question and what she saw on the screen got teary eyed and called another experienced technician. I needed to use the rest room so badly. In those days they make you drink gallons of water before ultrasound, if you are pregnant. Well I asked her can I use the restroom. She said, somehting like oh can you please wait, I'll call the senior technician. And then the senior technician came. With every person near the table my husband's grip on my hand was getting tighter and his face getting ashen. I, totally clueles, asked again "can you please tell me the sex of my babay?"

And she asks, do you want to use the rest room. I still had no clue something was amiss. Well...restroom, of couse. And apparently they told my husband when I was in. I came out. She said, your doctor is waiting to see you in her room. What?? Why? We do not even have an appointment today. We came in for an ultrasound. Well my husband hushes me and takes me by hand. Very unusual for him to hold my hand in public back then. I still had no clue. And I go to the doctor's office. Doctor hugs me. Tells me my baby is dead in womb. Well....

Nine years later and two blessings after, I still have a lingering question that disturbs my sleep especially on Dec 9th...why?

Paradox...?

Away from home, on a business trip, all alone for three full days. Well I wish for it very infrequently when the kids drive me crazy. But when it actually happens, sitting alone in your hotel room, with all the time in the world to do whatever you want to do, all you can do is to think about the family. I am away...well not really. Oh what did they have for lunch....are the shoes scattered everywhere, were they picked up on time...are they missing me etc etc, thoughts that crowd my mind and I am staring at the CNN channel and newspaper spread in front me me.

Darn it! come on hey wake up...you wanted to be away from them and you got the opportunity. Enjoy that. Relax. Take a Walk. Read the W.B Yeats you had unread for about 3 years now. Oh no, she threw up this morning..s she coming down with a cold? Or is it a new kind of virus that is going around...oh when is the school winter program? oh shoot, what time is it??? Run into the shower, rush through the process...phone rings...oh no I am getting late for the session. Oh where is the relaxed morning that I was thinking to have alone? huh? Relax? well...shove down the breakfast buffet...resist the urge to call yet again to see if they are ready on time to school...all the while smiling and making small talks to the people on the breakfast table.

Well..its a whole different story at the training sessions...I am so engrossed, I forget the coffee breaks! I am not even aware that I am away from home, so love the product that I am working on right now and all I can think about is ways to get to the nuances that were so elusive before...What exactly is it that keeps me at both poles? the mommy paradox?