Nine years ago, today God gave us a huge lesson on loss. As young and expectant parents we had lot of dreams for our first child. Skeptical, scared and careful, treading softly on the stairs, eating exactly as the doc and books suggested, shunning coffee and anything caffenie completely, we were so excited, thrilled and happy the first few months...a little more than few.
I was on the table waiting for the ultrasound technician to tell me the baby is doing fine. I even had the courage to ask her, can you please tell me the sex of my baby? that young tecnician apparently baffled by my question and what she saw on the screen got teary eyed and called another experienced technician. I needed to use the rest room so badly. In those days they make you drink gallons of water before ultrasound, if you are pregnant. Well I asked her can I use the restroom. She said, somehting like oh can you please wait, I'll call the senior technician. And then the senior technician came. With every person near the table my husband's grip on my hand was getting tighter and his face getting ashen. I, totally clueles, asked again "can you please tell me the sex of my babay?"
And she asks, do you want to use the rest room. I still had no clue something was amiss. Well...restroom, of couse. And apparently they told my husband when I was in. I came out. She said, your doctor is waiting to see you in her room. What?? Why? We do not even have an appointment today. We came in for an ultrasound. Well my husband hushes me and takes me by hand. Very unusual for him to hold my hand in public back then. I still had no clue. And I go to the doctor's office. Doctor hugs me. Tells me my baby is dead in womb. Well....
Nine years later and two blessings after, I still have a lingering question that disturbs my sleep especially on Dec 9th...why?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Paradox...?
Away from home, on a business trip, all alone for three full days. Well I wish for it very infrequently when the kids drive me crazy. But when it actually happens, sitting alone in your hotel room, with all the time in the world to do whatever you want to do, all you can do is to think about the family. I am away...well not really. Oh what did they have for lunch....are the shoes scattered everywhere, were they picked up on time...are they missing me etc etc, thoughts that crowd my mind and I am staring at the CNN channel and newspaper spread in front me me.
Darn it! come on hey wake up...you wanted to be away from them and you got the opportunity. Enjoy that. Relax. Take a Walk. Read the W.B Yeats you had unread for about 3 years now. Oh no, she threw up this morning..s she coming down with a cold? Or is it a new kind of virus that is going around...oh when is the school winter program? oh shoot, what time is it??? Run into the shower, rush through the process...phone rings...oh no I am getting late for the session. Oh where is the relaxed morning that I was thinking to have alone? huh? Relax? well...shove down the breakfast buffet...resist the urge to call yet again to see if they are ready on time to school...all the while smiling and making small talks to the people on the breakfast table.
Well..its a whole different story at the training sessions...I am so engrossed, I forget the coffee breaks! I am not even aware that I am away from home, so love the product that I am working on right now and all I can think about is ways to get to the nuances that were so elusive before...What exactly is it that keeps me at both poles? the mommy paradox?
Darn it! come on hey wake up...you wanted to be away from them and you got the opportunity. Enjoy that. Relax. Take a Walk. Read the W.B Yeats you had unread for about 3 years now. Oh no, she threw up this morning..s she coming down with a cold? Or is it a new kind of virus that is going around...oh when is the school winter program? oh shoot, what time is it??? Run into the shower, rush through the process...phone rings...oh no I am getting late for the session. Oh where is the relaxed morning that I was thinking to have alone? huh? Relax? well...shove down the breakfast buffet...resist the urge to call yet again to see if they are ready on time to school...all the while smiling and making small talks to the people on the breakfast table.
Well..its a whole different story at the training sessions...I am so engrossed, I forget the coffee breaks! I am not even aware that I am away from home, so love the product that I am working on right now and all I can think about is ways to get to the nuances that were so elusive before...What exactly is it that keeps me at both poles? the mommy paradox?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Delicate balance...
I was watching a program on volcanoes. Looking at the magma and lava pouring out of the earth's darkest inner most regions got me dumbfounded. As always thoughts soared to all other natural disasters possible...the earth quakes, tsunamis, hurricanes and what not.
Anything is possible and the very existence of every human being is so dependent on so many natural and man made un reliable factors. hanging on such a delicate balance over inferno, we are so hung up on our attitudes!!! Gosh I cannot believe that. Seriously, life is as always I say, sooo ephemeral. Anything can happen any moment. The San Bruno gas explosion, who expected that? The Tsunami that washed aways thousands of people with no warning...the earth quakes that mutilated and killed thousands...not to mention the everyday road accidents, health issues....I shudder.
Well I am not trying to be so gloomy and negative. On the contrary. I am trying to understand the very value of our existence and be thankful for the life. Thankful in a way we value every other human being and treat fairly and not hurt...
Anything is possible and the very existence of every human being is so dependent on so many natural and man made un reliable factors. hanging on such a delicate balance over inferno, we are so hung up on our attitudes!!! Gosh I cannot believe that. Seriously, life is as always I say, sooo ephemeral. Anything can happen any moment. The San Bruno gas explosion, who expected that? The Tsunami that washed aways thousands of people with no warning...the earth quakes that mutilated and killed thousands...not to mention the everyday road accidents, health issues....I shudder.
Well I am not trying to be so gloomy and negative. On the contrary. I am trying to understand the very value of our existence and be thankful for the life. Thankful in a way we value every other human being and treat fairly and not hurt...
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Frangrant memories
Ah…the fragrance of Jasmine…instantly transports me to those late 80s and early 90s in Trichy. With long hair and wearing typical South Indian outfits, those were the days when all young girls prided ourselves with the length of our hair and appropriate adornments. And adornments were mostly flowers and especially for me it was specifically Jasmine.
Though I stayed away from home in an all women’s hostel/school/college combo, we had access to flowers through – we all called her “pookara patti”, every single day. None of us knew how old she was. She used look fairly young may be in her early 40s. Still we called her patti. And buying the jasmine was my single most expensive treat of teen years. Comb hair, tie up with ribbons and adorn it with oh so heavenly smelling Jasmine. The pink Star gazer jasmine (Jadhi malli) one day, little whity white bulb like Gundu malli, and the thin, white, Mullai the other day….
I am almost a life time away from those places and fragrances now. But my afternoon Jasmine tea brings back a rush of thoughts that crowds my thinking with days back then…
Though I stayed away from home in an all women’s hostel/school/college combo, we had access to flowers through – we all called her “pookara patti”, every single day. None of us knew how old she was. She used look fairly young may be in her early 40s. Still we called her patti. And buying the jasmine was my single most expensive treat of teen years. Comb hair, tie up with ribbons and adorn it with oh so heavenly smelling Jasmine. The pink Star gazer jasmine (Jadhi malli) one day, little whity white bulb like Gundu malli, and the thin, white, Mullai the other day….
I am almost a life time away from those places and fragrances now. But my afternoon Jasmine tea brings back a rush of thoughts that crowds my thinking with days back then…
Monday, August 9, 2010
This never stops!
Yes, this never stops!! The learning curve never hits a plateau in life. Every moment in life is filled with experiences richly covered with enigmatic knowledge to get wiser from. Looking at the moments superficially, we miss the hidden messages. But when we start observing every passing moment at words as well as silences and wait to absorb the information, a light bulb gets on.
Its the aha moment of truth- and if we identify this moment, we get richer in experience and knowledge. We're able to relate to poeple in the right degree required. No iota more or less. Keeping life balanced and taking moments to think before to talk can enhance the learning experience through our everyday experience.
Most beautifu part of this learning from experience is - its never too late to learn!
Its the aha moment of truth- and if we identify this moment, we get richer in experience and knowledge. We're able to relate to poeple in the right degree required. No iota more or less. Keeping life balanced and taking moments to think before to talk can enhance the learning experience through our everyday experience.
Most beautifu part of this learning from experience is - its never too late to learn!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Work Etiquette
From a novice, for beginners…Experience makes a great teacher!
Be nice and talk less. People and co workers need not essentially keep lively conversations every day. What really matters is work, satisfactory work and learning. Learning process never stops. Until the day we die – because that’s when we learn what death isJ! So to get back to what I am thinking about…ah, it is important to learn, and do justice to the money we get paid to work in any place. No one needs to have “friends” at work place. Being cordial, pleasant, well mannered, respectful and helpful are the only and very essential qualities at work. Make sure you do not forget these. Avoid over sharing, giving unsolicited advices, unsolicited help (unless it’s a critical situation), trying to sound like a know all and being Ms. Smart pants.
Learn to talk like a diplomat. You can really present the bitterest of information in the sweetest and confident voice – and better still, get the message across. If you get all sweaty, panicked, angry and bitter, the message you want to convey to your team or boss gets lost in the pool of your emotions. All they’ll care is how you have taken this incident or a success or failure – rather than the actual success or failure. I am not trying to say behave like Buddha. It’s more like being balanced in the way you write your emails, talk to your co workers and boss and communicate with the rest of the crowd at work. Don’t be curt, but be right on target. Keep the focus. If you can, spice up the focus with little pleasantries. But don’t get carried away in pleasantries and forget your focus.
Understand everybody is different. Everyone you work in any work place is hired based on certain virtues. Learn to accept their knowledge and understand your differences. Just because you do certain things well does not under estimate your co worker’s ability to do something else better. As we are all so unique, so are our specialties and talents. Always be willing to learn and share your knowledge. But never try to share what you know – if no one asks you. Keep to yourself until you are asked to talk. Sometimes, you may be very nice to share your workarounds for a specific task with your co worker… But they might think you are being imposing and demanding that you want everyone to follow “your” way. You know that is not so. Why do you want to get into such a messy situation? Zip your mouth until you are asked for help or an explanation. If you are never asked, write it down for your reference later and forget it.
Greet, Listen and Smile. Being good and nice to people is important and also listening to people. Nobody wants to know if you folded your cloths all night long. But everybody would be happy if you wait for a little minute for them to answer your “How are you?” question. Remember you are not asking a rhetorical question when you smile at someone and ask how they are doing? Show you really consider them as your fellow human being. So listen, answer appropriately and sympathize.
Be yourself. It’s important to be polite, not to create an argument or come across as a strong willed and adamant personality. It’s equally important to show your originality. Showing originality does not mean hurting others or stomping your foot down on somebody’s ideas. You have to agree with people but when something they say does not match your ideas and life style, you can definitely disagree gracefully. You don’t have to stop listening or walk away or get mad. Just listen quietly, let them talk, vent out or anything. If someone ask for your opinion, say “Sorry, I respect your point of view but differ from it, this is my reason” and stop right there. You need not engage in a passionate tirade of reasons to substantiate your points.
Keep your commitments. Before committing for a deadline, gauge your work. Take everything involved in your work into consideration and then some time for review and unexpected delays. But never miss a deadline. You can over estimate a wee little bit and assign a day or two extra for the completion. But when you say a date, deliver the final product, right on time. And make sure you had two days before the deadline to review the final version and make all necessary edits. A final hand off should look like a final hand off – in any stage. Not like a half baked corn bread that’s gooey and crumbles to the touch. If at all you have to miss a deadline for some reason, let them know, in advance. Look at your plate before accepting additional tasks. If your plate is already full, don’t overload it! It’s a big no no for dieting and work!! Eat only what you can, and stay healthy! Same way get only what you know you can accomplish and stay peaceful!
Be nice and talk less. People and co workers need not essentially keep lively conversations every day. What really matters is work, satisfactory work and learning. Learning process never stops. Until the day we die – because that’s when we learn what death isJ! So to get back to what I am thinking about…ah, it is important to learn, and do justice to the money we get paid to work in any place. No one needs to have “friends” at work place. Being cordial, pleasant, well mannered, respectful and helpful are the only and very essential qualities at work. Make sure you do not forget these. Avoid over sharing, giving unsolicited advices, unsolicited help (unless it’s a critical situation), trying to sound like a know all and being Ms. Smart pants.
Learn to talk like a diplomat. You can really present the bitterest of information in the sweetest and confident voice – and better still, get the message across. If you get all sweaty, panicked, angry and bitter, the message you want to convey to your team or boss gets lost in the pool of your emotions. All they’ll care is how you have taken this incident or a success or failure – rather than the actual success or failure. I am not trying to say behave like Buddha. It’s more like being balanced in the way you write your emails, talk to your co workers and boss and communicate with the rest of the crowd at work. Don’t be curt, but be right on target. Keep the focus. If you can, spice up the focus with little pleasantries. But don’t get carried away in pleasantries and forget your focus.
Understand everybody is different. Everyone you work in any work place is hired based on certain virtues. Learn to accept their knowledge and understand your differences. Just because you do certain things well does not under estimate your co worker’s ability to do something else better. As we are all so unique, so are our specialties and talents. Always be willing to learn and share your knowledge. But never try to share what you know – if no one asks you. Keep to yourself until you are asked to talk. Sometimes, you may be very nice to share your workarounds for a specific task with your co worker… But they might think you are being imposing and demanding that you want everyone to follow “your” way. You know that is not so. Why do you want to get into such a messy situation? Zip your mouth until you are asked for help or an explanation. If you are never asked, write it down for your reference later and forget it.
Greet, Listen and Smile. Being good and nice to people is important and also listening to people. Nobody wants to know if you folded your cloths all night long. But everybody would be happy if you wait for a little minute for them to answer your “How are you?” question. Remember you are not asking a rhetorical question when you smile at someone and ask how they are doing? Show you really consider them as your fellow human being. So listen, answer appropriately and sympathize.
Be yourself. It’s important to be polite, not to create an argument or come across as a strong willed and adamant personality. It’s equally important to show your originality. Showing originality does not mean hurting others or stomping your foot down on somebody’s ideas. You have to agree with people but when something they say does not match your ideas and life style, you can definitely disagree gracefully. You don’t have to stop listening or walk away or get mad. Just listen quietly, let them talk, vent out or anything. If someone ask for your opinion, say “Sorry, I respect your point of view but differ from it, this is my reason” and stop right there. You need not engage in a passionate tirade of reasons to substantiate your points.
Keep your commitments. Before committing for a deadline, gauge your work. Take everything involved in your work into consideration and then some time for review and unexpected delays. But never miss a deadline. You can over estimate a wee little bit and assign a day or two extra for the completion. But when you say a date, deliver the final product, right on time. And make sure you had two days before the deadline to review the final version and make all necessary edits. A final hand off should look like a final hand off – in any stage. Not like a half baked corn bread that’s gooey and crumbles to the touch. If at all you have to miss a deadline for some reason, let them know, in advance. Look at your plate before accepting additional tasks. If your plate is already full, don’t overload it! It’s a big no no for dieting and work!! Eat only what you can, and stay healthy! Same way get only what you know you can accomplish and stay peaceful!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Fear.
My 4 year old said, "you know waht mommy, I'll die when I am seven years old". First time, I missed a beat for a moment. Horrified and in total fear, I explained, no baby - we do not talk about death. She said okey mommy. Today, driving her to school, I heard the same sentence repeated again from the back seat. Uncanny it is and gives me shivers to think...but I wonder where she has gotten this idea from.
I honestly do not know how to react. SImply told her, honey we all die oneday, but we do not talk about it. She asked why. What do I say to a almost four year old about death? I remember my no 7 yrs old talking about it. He simply asked me about death after listening too all of us talk about my young cousin who passed away. It was easy for me then, I told him people die when they get 100 years old. And he asked why she went to God early. My naive explnation of God does not want some special people to suffer ill health, sufficed at that point.
How can I explain to my 4 yr old that she is not supposed to nurse that idea and repeat the this conversation? After all I understand our life is so ephemeral. We neither know when we come and when we go nor where. WIth the kids of disasters on earth, tsunamis, earth quakes, fires and other horrendous crimes that take peoples life away everyday, I know we are not invincible - nor do I want to be that. But sometimes when it comes to unknown - I think ignoring the inevitable is better for our life on earth than fretting over.
So why does she make such statements and unleash such powerful sense of fear in me?
I honestly do not know how to react. SImply told her, honey we all die oneday, but we do not talk about it. She asked why. What do I say to a almost four year old about death? I remember my no 7 yrs old talking about it. He simply asked me about death after listening too all of us talk about my young cousin who passed away. It was easy for me then, I told him people die when they get 100 years old. And he asked why she went to God early. My naive explnation of God does not want some special people to suffer ill health, sufficed at that point.
How can I explain to my 4 yr old that she is not supposed to nurse that idea and repeat the this conversation? After all I understand our life is so ephemeral. We neither know when we come and when we go nor where. WIth the kids of disasters on earth, tsunamis, earth quakes, fires and other horrendous crimes that take peoples life away everyday, I know we are not invincible - nor do I want to be that. But sometimes when it comes to unknown - I think ignoring the inevitable is better for our life on earth than fretting over.
So why does she make such statements and unleash such powerful sense of fear in me?
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Identity?
I had this conversation with a few of my friends recently. They were surprised by the fact that I still use bindi and mangal sutra, even after beginning to work in a multi national environment on a 9-5 job. I don't know if they were trying to imply I am a conservative or so tight on my "old" practices etc. Though I need not have explained why i do all that, I did on the peripheral level. I do not know what everyone believes in and I do not plan to change any body's practice.
But as person, as an Indian from Tamilnadu, I have some beliefs and practices that has given me the identity. I value that identity and I am at Peace with who I am. I do not feel the need to change myself and my faith to live in America and respect this country. Do the women from middle east remove their head scarf just to mingle in "society"? We do not question them. It's totally agant personal law. And I respect them for not loosing their identity and still valuing this diverse nation.
I do not feel the need to stop using bindi or mangal sutra, to feel one among the citizens of America. The feeling does not come from external modifications. It comes from within. I care for my community, I take care of my surroundings, I do not litter, do not waste electricity or water, donate for good causes, I volunteer for my school, I do what I can for the society I live in. I think that makes me more of an American than not using Bindi or taking off my mangal Sutra.
Anybody with me?
But as person, as an Indian from Tamilnadu, I have some beliefs and practices that has given me the identity. I value that identity and I am at Peace with who I am. I do not feel the need to change myself and my faith to live in America and respect this country. Do the women from middle east remove their head scarf just to mingle in "society"? We do not question them. It's totally agant personal law. And I respect them for not loosing their identity and still valuing this diverse nation.
I do not feel the need to stop using bindi or mangal sutra, to feel one among the citizens of America. The feeling does not come from external modifications. It comes from within. I care for my community, I take care of my surroundings, I do not litter, do not waste electricity or water, donate for good causes, I volunteer for my school, I do what I can for the society I live in. I think that makes me more of an American than not using Bindi or taking off my mangal Sutra.
Anybody with me?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
On Budget and Schools...
Shaping the future pillars of soceity is very much in our hands. Looks like its just running away like the ginger bread man, so innocently to end up in some clever fox's mouth. Every time I meet up with a fellow mom, we do not start our conversation with the weather. Its "oh did you hear so and so is going to let go of next year?, Did you read about our school district? Did you hear about the class room size increase etc...etc".
As parents we all want the best for our children. As a community we all want to provide our children with the best education that can guide them through life forever. But when many devoted teachers are gone, and the available teacher's are left to deal with larger classrooms, how chaotic is the situation going to be? May be the principal and school district can justify it with a serious explanation of series of numbers. But what boils down is the confused kids, parents and equally confused teachers.
I heard from another mom that the school district is supposed to pay 3 million as fine to the state for increasing classroom sizes. I did not check this statement yet. But if thats true, is this a wise move??? First pay a 3 million fine and increase class sizes. The spend a few more millions on infrastructure to accomodate 33 kids in a class room designed for 20 kids. Then spend few more millions in training teachers to handle 33 kids instead of 20, they are used to. Does it make any sense? Not to me. Why not use all the money on the existing teachers in the same existing classroom set up?
Hello fellow moms, with school age children, any suggestions on voicing our thoughts and getting some help?
As parents we all want the best for our children. As a community we all want to provide our children with the best education that can guide them through life forever. But when many devoted teachers are gone, and the available teacher's are left to deal with larger classrooms, how chaotic is the situation going to be? May be the principal and school district can justify it with a serious explanation of series of numbers. But what boils down is the confused kids, parents and equally confused teachers.
I heard from another mom that the school district is supposed to pay 3 million as fine to the state for increasing classroom sizes. I did not check this statement yet. But if thats true, is this a wise move??? First pay a 3 million fine and increase class sizes. The spend a few more millions on infrastructure to accomodate 33 kids in a class room designed for 20 kids. Then spend few more millions in training teachers to handle 33 kids instead of 20, they are used to. Does it make any sense? Not to me. Why not use all the money on the existing teachers in the same existing classroom set up?
Hello fellow moms, with school age children, any suggestions on voicing our thoughts and getting some help?
Monday, January 25, 2010
I have some Dreams...
Forgive me Dr. MLK, for borrowing your famous words. I neither aspire greatness nor flaunt erudite imagination. My simple encounters with life makes me dream big every single day. Some vanish in thin air, some stay strong - sending spiral waves through my whole being until I can stand it no longer.
I have some dreams, mostly basic, may be lofty....
For a world filled with people who care...
For a day I can be completely honest and not be snickered upon.
For the kids to listen to us on a single loving word. (Not make us steam so hard with frustration to get them eat a single meal, know where it comes from).
For us to take kids as kids and not loose cool at the simplest form of non responsiveness :)
For a world where equality in ALL form.
For a world where there is NO WAR.
For honest politicians who care for people in the real sense.
For Humanity to reign supreme vanity to vanish.
I have some dreams, mostly basic, may be lofty....
For a world filled with people who care...
For a day I can be completely honest and not be snickered upon.
For the kids to listen to us on a single loving word. (Not make us steam so hard with frustration to get them eat a single meal, know where it comes from).
For us to take kids as kids and not loose cool at the simplest form of non responsiveness :)
For a world where equality in ALL form.
For a world where there is NO WAR.
For honest politicians who care for people in the real sense.
For Humanity to reign supreme vanity to vanish.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
School Woes...
Can you understand trimming the roots and wanting the tree to grow tall, lush & healthy? I cannot. But that's what the country & the state are pushing the city & the school district do. Cupertino school district is one of the highly sought after, school district with good teacher student ratio, community and test scores.
But the latest announcement says they are going to lay off at least 30% of the teachers due to budget woes. Strikes a nerve at a place that hurts most. Imagine children cramped into a classroom with a teacher who can barely handle them with individual attention.
As a classroom parent volunteer I see how the teacher really have to be behind some students to get the work done - even in a 20:1 class. the teacher now makes sure every student gets the time and attention they deserve. Teacher can talk about every students pluses and minuses. If the class room size increases, how is this going to be possible??? I'm so sorry that our children are going to suffer because of something that we did not want happen. The war.
This monster's claws can reach out far and tear away the flesh with no conscience at all. We still call ourselves the best. I wonder.
But the latest announcement says they are going to lay off at least 30% of the teachers due to budget woes. Strikes a nerve at a place that hurts most. Imagine children cramped into a classroom with a teacher who can barely handle them with individual attention.
As a classroom parent volunteer I see how the teacher really have to be behind some students to get the work done - even in a 20:1 class. the teacher now makes sure every student gets the time and attention they deserve. Teacher can talk about every students pluses and minuses. If the class room size increases, how is this going to be possible??? I'm so sorry that our children are going to suffer because of something that we did not want happen. The war.
This monster's claws can reach out far and tear away the flesh with no conscience at all. We still call ourselves the best. I wonder.
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